The Day When Love Broke In

The Day I heard God’s Voice for the First Time …

Perhaps you have stumbled upon this post and you already know how to hear God’s quiet whispers to your heart … or perhaps you are where I was starting so many years ago in a place of desperation to hear from Him in a personal way.

Before I hop straight in let me back up just a bit. I grew up in your typical Christian household except for the fact that I endured some pretty heavy dysfunction within those family walls. Due to the brokenness I struggled with anger and rebellion towards God for most of my younger years but there was always a desperate cry in my heart to know Him. I could feel Him from the time I was young, I believed He was real, but He always felt just out of reach. The search felt so one sided and the frustration got me to the point where I was on the verge of walking away from Christianity if God did not show up in a major way. I shook my fist at God and said, “I will believe you exist but if I can’t even hear from you what makes me any different from everyone else in the world.” I gave God an ultimatum (which I laugh looking back at now) but hey desperate times call for desperate measures. I made the decision that if He did not show up, and soon, I was going to leave my Christian college, and not step foot in a church again.

Thankfully God saw past my best attempts to self protect due to the pain I had endured and had a plan little known to me at the time. In the midst of my wrestle with God I was attending a Christian college in Indiana where I grew up. It was the last place I should have had such awful thoughts but there I was in the midst of my mess and feeling like the oddball out for being such a hot mess. I did my best to internalize but while studying abroad for a semester in Ireland I began to contemplate suicide simply feeling there was nothing left I could do to get out of the hole and spiral I found my thoughts in (don’t get depressed the story gets better I pinky promise). At that point of desperation I knew I could not head back to my college the following year because I felt I literally wouldn’t make it. I began to research online colleges and hatched a plan to switch to online school and give God my last ditch effort to connect with Him.

The summer before my semester abroad I had taken a two week visit to a ministry in Kansas City Missouri. It was the closest I had ever felt to God and at first the fire stayed but then the warfare hit and I lost my balance again. The only thing I knew to do was go back there and try to reconnect with God again. (Now check out this God wink) In the midst of being all the way in Ireland there was a specific online college that stood out to me but I prayed, “God I need a confirmation if this is of you.” The following week a team of missionaries was visiting from America to help fix up a church we were helping to finish renovate. In the midst of a lunch break wouldn’t you know the man I sat next to began to talk and said how he used to attend the EXACT college I had just asked God if I should transfer to. It was all the way in Arizona and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Big sigh. Okay God … if You are somehow in this I will take the leap, leave my school, and go on this crazy adventure to try and pursue You..

I thankfully have a very precious and supportive Mom who has always loved God and supported my decision to uproot and move to a new state. I enrolled in my new online college, joined a non paid internship at the ministry in Missouri, and rented a room from a couple I had never met before. I took the leap and let’s be honest .. I spent the first few days in shock and in tears thinking what if I just made the biggest mistake of my life. The whole time the enemy was whispering in my year … “Run, go to another state, just live your life.” I had just got there and already I wanted to find the nearest exit.

I will never forget the first weekend I was there, I sat in the campus church and the Pastor began to preach. He spoke on the story of David in the midst of battle and he said something so key .. he began to explain that the first thing the enemy will try to do is isolate you so he can take you out. God convicted my heart in that moment and I knew what I thought was going to be the freedom I was looking for, was really a trap for my demise. I made the hard decision to stay and work it out no matter the pain I felt internally. It was one of the hardest and best decisions of my life. To simply stay put and let God deal with me.

I share that background so that you can truly understand the significance of when God’s love truly broke in. I began to spend hours in a prayer room daily where worship was sang and the Word of God was sent up as a fragrance to God. I began to feel washed, cleansed, renewed. The Father’s love starting to break in and penetrate the stony walls of my heart but I still longed for more. I would grab every book on the prophetic, hearing God’s voice, being a seer in the spirit etc that I could get my hands on. I would ask people, “What do you mean you HEARD God say to you .. what did it sound like?” Trying to piece anything together I could simply to connect with God. (To be fair I don’t think that it was ever that God was hard to reach, I just hadn’t learned how to truly receive His love, slow down, be in His presence, and give Him the time to heal). For context I was around 23 years old at this time. I am 31 currently.

At this point my frustration began to turn into a genuine hunger and I began to realize that I had to keep praying this thing through. Day and night I began to seek God to hear Him, to be close to Him, to be used by Him. “..Seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: for every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth.” (Matthew 7:7-8)

It was around this time I went into the prayer room for what I thought would be another day enjoying His presence and seeking Him. Spending time with Him had began to consume my heart, mind, and emotions. I did what I had to to get done with my online classes as soon as possible so I could get back in His presence. It wasn’t an overnight thing but day by day a wholeness was starting to form in my heart and a sense of belonging I had never had before. As I sat there in that chair the worship team was playing, I don’t remember the song, but in that place of meditation it was like a voice broke in that was different than my thoughts. I started slow but began to speak to me and the more I listened the more the words began to pour over me. It was an inward audible voice that was so still but steady, confident, and calm. What made it so different was the way His Words made me feel. One of the first things God began to speak to me about was my name. My first name is Alexis but when I changed schools in the 8th grade a girl in school said, “I can’t remember your name so I’ll just call you Lexi.” I was new so the name stuck and all through high school and college I went by that nickname. God began to speak truth and life over me. He told me to change my name back to Alexis and reminded me of its meaning, “defender, or protector.” He spoke life over my destiny, how I was called to help others. To be honest I was so in shock by what was transpiring I did not take time to write it all down I just walked out of the prayer room some time later shocked and contemplating did that really just happen?! There was still much trial and error in learning to hear God’s voice after that but it built a confidence in my heart of just how much it was possible to hear from Him. To this day I have never stopped pursuing to hear what He might be saying. It comes easier now than it did then but let’s be real, this is the Creator of the universe we are talking about. We never “arrive” but it is an ongoing adventure because of the relationship He allows us to build with Him. How I hear might be different than how He speaks to you but all I know is I am grateful daily for His presence and willingness to be so meticulously involved even in the mundane daily details. His presence and involvement makes every moment of life so worth it!

I pray that whether you are well acquainted with God’s voice or long to hear more of His whispers spoken to your heart that this will serve as an encouragement to you. God knows every hair on your head, He hears every prayer .. even the ones that feel as if they have been going unheard, even for years. I am here to remind you that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever and He longs to speak to you and illuminate the path before you. He can speak to your heart in a way that no one else can because He made you intricately and for a divine purpose.

I am no expert and there are still the in between moments where I seek only to find myself in a continued season of waiting. But oh how beautiful it is when His love breaks in and He speaks those truths to my heart like only He can.

I encourage you today, make time to get in His presence, refresh yourself in His Word, and invite Him to ignite your heart afresh not just to pray, but to hear the response that only He can bring.

In a separate post I will dive more into the specifics of practical ways to usher in His presence and strengthen / open your ears spiritually to hear from God clearly and on a consistent basis.

Blessings my friend - Alexis

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